i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
