I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
