We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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