allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
