She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
