Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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