I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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