How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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