Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize