Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
