you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
