her facebook's as public as her vagina
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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