Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
