I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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