If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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