I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
