I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
