my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
