Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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