Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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