Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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