we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
