I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
