so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize