At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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