what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
