I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
