so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
