the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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