That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
