So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think your dad took our porno
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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