my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
