I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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