Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
