remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
