my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
