I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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