just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When did angry sex become our thing?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
