I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
