I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
