you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
