she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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