i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
