I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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