Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
