I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
