I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
