ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
