hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
