thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
