just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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