ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm like, not good at living.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
