I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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