I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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