last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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