I'm jealous of your bromance
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
