Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She said her name was "party"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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