When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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