Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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