Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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