Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We are two peas in an std pod
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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