he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you never un-have a 4some
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
